Take the Hint (A True Story)

I'm keeping this one all real for a few reasons: 1. It almost doesn't work if I don't use the villain's actual name (and you should beware of this guy if you ever encounter him), and 2. I promised James West that I'd never forgive him for his part in it.

One night back in 2006, I went out for drinks with the girls. Sam, Betsy, and I went to Conklin's Irish Rover, where our friend James was singing. After James finished his set, he sat down and joined us, as did Jeff and Jac (that's not a typo; Jac-with-no-K made it a point to introduce himself as such), who had also come to the pub that night to see James.

As it happened, Sam and Jeff were already acquainted and became engrossed in conversation, catching up since the last time they'd seen each other. That left Betsy to my right, Jac-with-no-K to my left, and James to his left. Even if Jac-with-no-K had been an ordinary Jack, I still would have been instantly turned off by this guy.

It's totally fine if you want to wear a burgundy velour smoking jacket out in public (okay, unless you're Vincent Price, I really don't think it's fine, but if it makes you happy, carry on), but if you wear one and are chain smoking Blacks and mainlining Jameson, I'm afraid you're just not my type. Invade my personal space, blow smoke in my face, interrupt me every time I speak, and boast about how you're barely old enough to drink, yet working on your 3rd DUI, and I will officially despise you.

I like to think that I'm a nice person. Even if I dislike someone, I can usually be civil for the sake of not spoiling the evening for everyone else. This guy, however, was oblivious to my subtle scooting away from him, monosyllabic responses, and even pointedly ignoring him. I think it was the point where he got so bold as to touch me that I forgot that I'm a nice person.

He laid a hand on my shoulder, and I told him, "you'll remove that unless you want to pull back a bloody stump." He did so, but said, "see, this is why I like you!"

I said, "you don't like me. You don't know me. You will never know me well enough to like me. Got it?"

He didn't get it. What he did was later talk James into giving him my phone number (under some pretense of asking me about some book I mentioned, please. James, how could you?) and then proceed to text message me intermittently for the next few months. MONTHS! Usually, I ignored him, but at one point, I got fed up and tried to put a stop to it.

He asked if I wanted to go for a drink and I replied with an emphatic, "NO!"

He asked why, and I said, "because you annoy the f--- out of me and I don't like you!"

He didn't get the hint that time either. I later learned that he'd run into Sam, who is an officer in the Navy, while she was out entertaining some visiting officers from the British Navy. Apparently, Jac-with-no-K insinuated himself into their group despite Sam's multiple protests, and attempted to pump her for information about me.

Eventually, after I just never replied again, he stopped contacting me and no one I know ran into him again.

The moral of the story is... good grief, don't be that guy. I admit that there are some language issues between men and women, but some things are pretty crystal clear, no?

Be Nice Or Die

I just had a conversation with Nins about some evolutionary leaps I'd very much like to see take place within our species in coming generations. Actually, if I'm wishing for things, I wish they'd happened about the time we crawled out of the primordial stew; it could've saved us a lot of trouble.

Evolution 1: Stupidity is Fattening

Wouldn't it be nice if we could spot an idiot coming and have a clear sign to steer clear of them? Furthermore, what motivates us as a people more than appearances? We buy clothes because they look good on us, we spend all kinds of money on gym memberships, workout videos, and nutritional supliments, why? Because we want to feel good about looking good. Now, what if evolution stepped in and did us all a favor and simply gave us an enzyme or something, triggered by brain activity, which governs our metabolism? Oh, and of course, the converse would also be true - intelligence would be slimming. This is a bell-curve we're talking about here, with most of the population being average, but with smokin' hot geniuses on one extreme end, and dumbass tubs of guts who get around in wheelbarrows on the other.

Hey, if nothing else, we'd skim this kind of thing out of the gene pool:




Right?

Evolution 2: Mean People Get The Plague

I think every human being should be born with this really horrible plague lying dormant within their bodies. We'd be protected from it by this tough membrane that keeps it from activating and being released into our bloodstreams. The only catch is, being an asshole releases a toxin in your body which over time will erode that membrane. Again, we have a bell-curve here: Most people are plague-free, as their plague-barrier-membrane will have taken a few hits over the years but then been healed by acts of kindness. At the extremes, we have say, the Dalai Lama, who's never had the remotest chance of plague, and at the other end, oh, Fred Phelps, who has long since been alienated by lepers and rats.

I'm not saying you get the plague if you're against gay marriage, or think women shouldn't be allowed to vote (you just might get fat), I'm just saying that if for some unfathomable reason, your personal code of ethics includes values that are inherently unsavory to lots of the rest of us, at least don't be a dick about it. There's a big difference between having an adult conversation-or even a spirited debate where you can cite reasons and beliefs-and showing up at a funeral and waving signs that say "God Hates Fags" in the faces of the mourners.

Let this be a cautionary tale to all of you out there having babies. Raise your kids right, check their homework, and set a good example, otherwise your obese grandkids will get the Plague.