Little Souvenirs of a Colorful Year

There's this episode of the Golden Girls (what, you got jokes?) where Dorothy is attempting to explain to Blanche how she's been feeling lately, and having a hard time describing it.
"Magenta," says Blanche. You're a little sad, but you wouldn't say you were blue, and a little jealous, but not quite green with envy, and somewhat scared, but not so much that you're yellow... and she hates that feeling, and she hates the color magenta, so that's why she calls it that.

I'm with Blanche. Most of the time, I try to think positive, have faith that everything is going to work out, look at the glass as half-full. I get magenta sometimes, though, but like the Girls, I'm also lucky enough to have friends to get me through it and put up with me during it.

This year has so far brought lots of endings - professional, personal, and otherwise. Since most of them weren't of my choosing, it's really easy to get depressed about it if I think of it that way. I'm hoping that nature will take its course though, and have some new beginnings to follow the endings.

I wasn't happy in my old job, and I've applied for some I think could be rewarding in ways other than just paying enough Green to squeak by on the bills. It could happen that I have to settle short-term, but I've sort of rededicated myself to my professional goals. I've done some networking, and made some good contacts and feel good about how I'm putting my skills and education to work, even if I'm not seeing that green yet.

I've loved and lost, but I've also learned. In past loves, either I couldn't really be myself, or I lost myself and lost sight of what else there was to life, so that my entire world seemed meaningless when it was over. Now I know better. Now I know it's worth it to hold out for the guy who (may not actually exist, but) will neither just put up with me nor completely eclipse me. If I can't be with a guy who is a true equal - in support and understanding as well as affection and music libraries - then, I'll just wait. I'll be Brown. Sally Brown, hanging out in the pumpkin patch, waiting for someone Great.

I've been quasi-nomadic, feeling like neither of the places I could refer to as home really are. Don't get me wrong, my mom's house will always be home, where I'll always know I have a place and be accepted. The thing is, I want home to also mean a place that's really mine, where I can grow and make a life for myself. Some people think I'm crazy when I talk about how badly I want to move to California. My friend Joel, who lives there already, warned me that when I came to visit, I'd never want to leave. I argued, but in the end, he was so right. If I'd had the means to just stay and send for my things, I'd have done so. Now? I'm back on the opposite side of the country, but when I build my list of steps I have to take next, with the summit being the move to the Golden State, it just feels right.

So, here's to new beginnings... may they begin soon!