Good Morning

This morning, I woke up late, hobbled around on blistered feet, accidentally spit toothpaste into my hair and decided that checking my e-mail would be a safe enough activity while I waited for the coffee to brew.
Alas, my friend M-M had other plans in store for me. Waiting in my inbox screaming to be read aloud just to be comprehended was the following:


i haven't called you like i planned on doing like everynight this past week! here's what to do if i don't call you tonight like i say i is...

...go to the tallest tree where by you shall reach up to the closest branch, after reaching that very most approiate branch thee shall break said branch away from previous metioned tallest tree which is to be located by thee at the chosen hour of 9:42 pm eastern standard time (taking into account that the clocks hath moveth in speed one hour, not bothering here fore that if thy country hath not switchith all presently known americaized clocks in speed one hour, the time indeed would stillist be a' tick and tock at one hour behind in retrospect makethingth all presently know americanized clocks (save clocks pretaining to hawaii and alaska) the time of 8:42 pm eastern standard time, but this the time shall not appear in the mountain/central or west coast and island time zones. but heed the the correct hour of passing which be 9:42 pm eastern standard time. hence forth, once the having obtained the one and desired severed branch from the before metioned tallest tree lookest thou about thy urban landscapes to go set off on the task of selecting the most shinny metal

trash can that stands like a grungy centinal to the northern horizon. when upon this shinny metal of a trash can is to be discovered, stand tall and be proud in thy discovery and in celebration and jubilation raiseth most recently and only severed branch of aforemetioned tallest tree and commence in the beating and banging of found shinny metal trash can, whileist reciting in a lound and shrill command :

"why didn't you eat that party mix! why didn't you eat the party mix! damn you!".

such is the solution to pursue if none of the phones calls are received in the proclaimation of friendship, knitting circles and inquries the availability of the african racoon during drought season. [sic.]